Grief

I'm not sure that I want to even write this post. But if I don't do something I'll explode from grief.

After a nearly 3 year battle my Mom died from cancer on April 28, 2008. I miss her.

She was in the hospice program (at home in her apartment) for 8+ months. They said she would probably not last six months. She was very strong and extremely stubborn. One day she said "I guess I'm trying too hard to hold on". I assured her that that was not the case - she was just making the most of the time she had left.

The funeral was nice, so many friends and family came to say goodbye. A very real testament to how much she was loved. And how much I am loved. The only problem is that the service seemed so hollow to me. The minister did a fine job with what we gave him. But it didn't really speak of her strength, courage, morals, faith, love.

My Mom loved me. We were lucky. We had 9 months of "I love you" and we said it often. For the final 5 weeks that she was in a hospice facility, and before she became unresponsive, I would start my visit the same way each time. I would remove my glasses so that I could look deeper into her eyes. Sitting on the side of her hospital bed, I would lean over to hug her and kiss her. She always waited to kiss me back once I was done. We would look into each others' eyes and talk briefly about how she was feeling, how my day had gone so far and was I getting too far behind on my work. Each time was poignant and bittersweet as I saw her change daily while the brain metastases spread.

One day as we finished the ritual I honestly told her how I liked to come and see her at the end of the day. Mom said, simply, "well, it's good to be seen". She probably didn't know that I was lapping up each moment I could before she wouldn't be there any longer. I was holding on for her dear life.

Eventually, after about four weeks, Mom stopped eating or responding. She had been working hard somewhere else, talking without sound and moving her hands. If I know my Mom she was bantering with my Dad or cleaning some imaginary house. Just when the nurses thought she'd pass, she would wake up and have a great day. But now she was silent and it became less of a visit and more of a vigil.

More to be said but it will wait until another day as I process this immense loss.

Tele-bits: Been a long time!

I can't believe I haven't written anything about TV lately...I mean, I've been WATCHING enough of it!

New shows that have gotten their claws into me:

Life - The main character, Charlie, has sort of a Hugh Laurie as House-like appeal. Confident but troubled. The mystery of who framed Charlie for the murder of his friend reminds me a bit of The Dead Zone but, obviously, is a little more down to earth. I don't care much about Dani yet. Not sure why but she doesn't have the zing that Charlie does.

Kid Nation - I am still surprised how much I love this show. Given the bad press it got pre-season, I was expecting it to be much more exploitive. Instead, it's a great example of how smart our kids are and how they can work things out on their own. A good lesson for any parent who over-manages our kids' time, friendships and activities.

But still, there are some rumors of complaints: http://www.tvbender.com/kidnation-is-being-investigated/

Would love to hear about your favorite shows!

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Grape Grape Grape Goodness

I just have to say that UV grape vodka is SO FREAKING GOOD! I just had a 2 hour telephone call for work. UV Vodka is making me whole again...oh and it's made in Minnesota!

Happy Friday!

Cancer-bits: Mysterious

Cancer is mysterious.

It grows fast or slow one day, one week, and does double-time the next. Now that Mom isn't seeing any doctors, only hospice workers, I feel so HELPLESS and wary. We went to doctor after doctor for years, working with them very closely on her care. I'm more involved than most I think, I'm a rabid researcher. Now that I have no information to act upon...I'm wary of what's going to happen next.

Every Tuesday and Friday Mom's wonderful hospice nurse, Yvonne, pays a visit. I try to be there for at least one meeting a week, hopefully both. She spends TIME talking with us about anything we all feel like sharing. We trust her. But now that I never have any real information about what's going on in my Mom's body, all I can do is wait. Wait for the next symptom, wait for a sign that things are changing. So I'm starting to dread those visits with kind Yvonne, wondering when things will get worse.

Mom seemed to have a sort of "remission". She stopped coughing up blood and her lungs have been clear. She's having some discomfort in her legs and hips and it's getting harder and harder for her to walk. But she keeps on trying, hoping that the exercise will make her stronger. That just makes me sad since I know that the truth is so much worse.

Well, on to work...

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

J.K. Rowling: Genius

As my son's friend came into the house today he was yelling "Dumbledore is GAY! My dad and I just heard it on the radio!". My son kind of looked confused, "huh??". His friend went on about how it was a "little late" to hear this news now! I was laughing to myself and just let it go... thought it was something they should discuss on their own. They decided XBOX was the thing to play and they were gone.

J.K. Rowling is a freaking genius. To casually mention that this beloved character is gay - showing our kids that someone they love and respect happens to also be gay. I think it's important lesson if handled correctly.

I hope people don't f*ck this up...but people aren't that smart actually.

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Panic / Anxiety Disorder

Someone asked on Rosie's site about how to handle going to the dentist since she has panic attacks. Oh, I know how frightening it is! A few years after my son was born I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. You CAN live your life with this terrible "disease", I am proof of it!

Now, I will be honest and tell you that 1) I only have mild panic attacks on an extremely rare basis and I manage them with a low dose (10 mg) of Paxil and breathing exercises, and 2) the only time I have major panic attacks is when I have to have anything other than a cleaning done at the dentist.

I bet you're thinking...well great, I'm doomed. How is that supposed help? I smile as I type this because that's what I would be thinking too. I'll get back to the "dentist problem" in a bit.

Getting control over your disorder takes time and you have to give yourself that time. I saw a wonderful psychologist who taught me breathing exercises and gave me a tape to play at night when I was going to sleep. Both things were KEY to my success. I went from being afraid to leave the house or to talk to people to starting a new career and getting all the wonderful things in life that I could ask for -- lovely safe home, beautiful family, job I love.

First step is Deep Breathing. It's very similar to the breathing you do in Yoga (yoga helps immensely, do it if you can!!). I found the following helpful technique on the way to do it from Cathleen Henning Fenton on her About.com page.

http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/shbreathing/ht/breatheproperly.htm

1. Begin by lying flat on your back or standing up straight. You may also sit up straight in a chair, if that is more comfortable.
2. Place your hand on your stomach area.
3. Breathe as you normally would, and notice whether your hand and stomach rise and fall, or your chest rises and falls, as you breathe.
4. When you are breathing properly, your chest will stay still while your stomach will rise slightly as you breathe in. When you breathe out, your chest will continue to stay still while your stomach lowers slightly.
5. Now, slowly breathe in through your nose on the count of five while gently pushing your hand up with your stomach.
6. Hold the breath for a count of five.
7. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of five while gently pushing down on your stomach.
8. Repeat this process for five minutes.
9. If the process causes you to begin panicking, stop. Try again later or the next day, but do the exercise for a shorter amount of time. You may need to start with one minute per day.
10. Increase the length of time each day until you can do the exercise for at least five minutes, two times per day.
11. If you continue to practice breathing this way, you soon will be doing it naturally throughout the day.
12. An additional benefit will be that once you are familiar with the exercise, you may do it while experiencing anxiety or at the beginning of a panic attack, and you will feel relief.

Ms. Fenton has a lot of useful information, please check it out!

Second step for me was the relaxation tape. I listened to it at night but it could help before you go to the dentist or even listening to it with headphones WHILE you are there. I wish that I could tell you where to get the tape I used but unfortunately it was made by my doctor and he is no longer available near me. Here is one that comes very highly recommended on Amazon:



The last thing I'd like to talk about is the actual dentist appointment. I can go in and get my teeth cleaned with very little anxiety but the minute they say cavity, filling, crown, root canal, my mind and body go on very high alert! My arms are tingling (sign of a panic attack) as I think about it! But I found out some interesting things to get through it.

1) Ask your dentist if he/she uses novocaine with epinephrine - it is very common and the epinephrine is a stimulant that is almost sure to set off a panic attack. Ask for anesthetic with with no stimulant. They should have it on hand because they cannot use it on patients with heart conditions.

2) Ask whoever is working on you to keep the chair up as far as possible (so they can still see in your mouth!!) so that bits of stuff don't go close to your throat. That sets many people off, including me.

3) Use the aforementioned relaxation CD with headphones.

4) Ask for a sedative that you can take before you go in. They will send the prescription to your pharmacy. You'll have to have someone drive you but I know from experience that it helps immensely, especially during longer procedures.

I hope this helps and I wish you much success and good health!

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Scrabblebook

I read in the Wall Street Journal this weekend about an application available on Facebook called Scrabulous. You can play Scrabble with other Facebook members, as many games going on at one time as you'd like. I LOVE Scrabble! Check this out and enjoy!