Lake Superior

Well this pic from my laptop is lame so I'll have to try again to get something better! But I am "Up North" for the week and loving the view! Lake Superior is so stunning, especially on sunny, cool days. I mostly relaxed and read today but did just break down and watch a couple videos. Tomorrow I will get out and walk and enjoy the fresh air!!

Huh. adenomyoWHAT?

Ok, so during all the stuff going on with my Mom (cancer, hospice, her eventual death) last month, I also had a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) done under some sedation. I had been having some bleeding and such for over a year but figured it was more polyps. I figured this since I had a D&C 10 years ago to the SAME day that I had the 2nd one. Weird huh? I had a sonohystogram that showed at least one large polyp (they actually found several eventually).

D&C went fine, no complications. I'm still under "strict pelvic rest" until May 31st, which is annoying, but considering everything else that has been going on, that's the least of my worries.

So, today, 1 month after the D&C, my surgeon calls. She said that everything they found was benign. I had about 30 sec of relief and then she said they also found an atypical polypoid adenomyoma which is a rare growth that she hadn't seen before.

Oh. Great.

She said she consulted the gyno oncologist (like I haven't seen enough of those people with my Mom) and they said that I should have an MRI to make sure it isn't growing back and could just consider a hysterectomy if I don't plan on having any more kids. That way I don't have to worry about being tested often.

Yup, pretty darn depressed today. More after I know more. If anyone has information regarding this condition I'd love to know about it! There isn't much on the internet that I could find.

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Panic / Anxiety Disorder

Someone asked on Rosie's site about how to handle going to the dentist since she has panic attacks. Oh, I know how frightening it is! A few years after my son was born I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. You CAN live your life with this terrible "disease", I am proof of it!

Now, I will be honest and tell you that 1) I only have mild panic attacks on an extremely rare basis and I manage them with a low dose (10 mg) of Paxil and breathing exercises, and 2) the only time I have major panic attacks is when I have to have anything other than a cleaning done at the dentist.

I bet you're thinking...well great, I'm doomed. How is that supposed help? I smile as I type this because that's what I would be thinking too. I'll get back to the "dentist problem" in a bit.

Getting control over your disorder takes time and you have to give yourself that time. I saw a wonderful psychologist who taught me breathing exercises and gave me a tape to play at night when I was going to sleep. Both things were KEY to my success. I went from being afraid to leave the house or to talk to people to starting a new career and getting all the wonderful things in life that I could ask for -- lovely safe home, beautiful family, job I love.

First step is Deep Breathing. It's very similar to the breathing you do in Yoga (yoga helps immensely, do it if you can!!). I found the following helpful technique on the way to do it from Cathleen Henning Fenton on her About.com page.

http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/shbreathing/ht/breatheproperly.htm

1. Begin by lying flat on your back or standing up straight. You may also sit up straight in a chair, if that is more comfortable.
2. Place your hand on your stomach area.
3. Breathe as you normally would, and notice whether your hand and stomach rise and fall, or your chest rises and falls, as you breathe.
4. When you are breathing properly, your chest will stay still while your stomach will rise slightly as you breathe in. When you breathe out, your chest will continue to stay still while your stomach lowers slightly.
5. Now, slowly breathe in through your nose on the count of five while gently pushing your hand up with your stomach.
6. Hold the breath for a count of five.
7. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of five while gently pushing down on your stomach.
8. Repeat this process for five minutes.
9. If the process causes you to begin panicking, stop. Try again later or the next day, but do the exercise for a shorter amount of time. You may need to start with one minute per day.
10. Increase the length of time each day until you can do the exercise for at least five minutes, two times per day.
11. If you continue to practice breathing this way, you soon will be doing it naturally throughout the day.
12. An additional benefit will be that once you are familiar with the exercise, you may do it while experiencing anxiety or at the beginning of a panic attack, and you will feel relief.

Ms. Fenton has a lot of useful information, please check it out!

Second step for me was the relaxation tape. I listened to it at night but it could help before you go to the dentist or even listening to it with headphones WHILE you are there. I wish that I could tell you where to get the tape I used but unfortunately it was made by my doctor and he is no longer available near me. Here is one that comes very highly recommended on Amazon:



The last thing I'd like to talk about is the actual dentist appointment. I can go in and get my teeth cleaned with very little anxiety but the minute they say cavity, filling, crown, root canal, my mind and body go on very high alert! My arms are tingling (sign of a panic attack) as I think about it! But I found out some interesting things to get through it.

1) Ask your dentist if he/she uses novocaine with epinephrine - it is very common and the epinephrine is a stimulant that is almost sure to set off a panic attack. Ask for anesthetic with with no stimulant. They should have it on hand because they cannot use it on patients with heart conditions.

2) Ask whoever is working on you to keep the chair up as far as possible (so they can still see in your mouth!!) so that bits of stuff don't go close to your throat. That sets many people off, including me.

3) Use the aforementioned relaxation CD with headphones.

4) Ask for a sedative that you can take before you go in. They will send the prescription to your pharmacy. You'll have to have someone drive you but I know from experience that it helps immensely, especially during longer procedures.

I hope this helps and I wish you much success and good health!

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Bitter

I'm feeling bitter today. I went to the doctor to see if I have a hernia or at least investigate this pain on my right side. I usually love my Doc and he DID listen to me better than most docs I've had, but he kind of went on to a few other things that were concerning me, glossing over the PAIN IN MY RIGHT SIDE! ahem. So he took some various body fluids (not to get into TMI here) and sent me on my way. Now I have a bandaid on my left arm and A PAIN IN MY RIGHT SIDE.

Yup, feeling bitter.

On the positive side I also got some Ambien to try to get my sleep schedule back to what the rest of the world calls "normal". This sleeping from 4:00am - 7:00am and then from 8:30am - Noon thing ain't working. Big freaking surprise, right? 3:00am-11:00am is my favorite sleeping time. I just get tired enough at 3:00am so that I fall asleep before I meander into stupid thoughts. Now I'm going to try 11:00pm - 7:00am. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Oh and I've warned the family if they find me cooking or going for a drive in the middle of the night they should probably stop and wake me:

"Some users have reported unexplained sleepwalking while using Ambien, and a few have reported driving, binge eating, sleep talking, and performing other daily tasks while sleeping. The sleepwalker can sometimes perform these tasks as normally as they might if they were awake. They can sometimes carry on complex conversations and respond appropriately to questions or statements so much so that the observer may believe the sleepwalker to be awake." (Wikipedia)

I have actually had a few of those things happen to me when I was in high school. I had a few freaky phone calls that I had NO memory of making or receiving. And I wasn't on ANY drugs at the time. Hmmm, maybe this isn't a good idea. Nahhhhhhh...it will be fine.

Go Go Gophers!

Went to the final game of the Minnesota Gopher Hockey Ice Breaker tourney last night. Great game and the Gophs won 4 to 3. We got to sit in one of those sweet suites - the Xcel Energy Center is THE best place to see hockey. heeeeeyyyy Gophers!

p.s. What cartoon from the 1970's had that song, Go Go Gophers?

Me-bits: yuck

Depression sucks. I've had problems on and off my whole life with depression. It's usually set off by some extreme life event. Usually a death. I know when it's there and I go get the meds I need so that I can be the person I want to be, not the one curled up on the couch all day. When my Dad died in 2004 I didn't really have time for depression. I went from 0 (mourning) to 60 (caregiver) in about 8 seconds.

I've worked darn hard to keep depression away while I'm dealing with my Mom's terminal illness and losing my beautiful loving cat Mischa. I've stayed busy and proactive in my care as well as my Mom's.

I'm afraid it's sneaking up on me here. No, I know it is. I only want to sleep, watch tv, read. But I've dealt with it for years so at least I know all it's dirty tricks. It's sitting there behind me, just waiting to mess with my chemicals and hormones. It's literally licking it's chops. It knows the signs too.

A big part of me just wants to let it in...let it grab me so I can revel in the pain. Maybe I could actually cry, something that has been mostly out of reach the past couple years. That's not practical, and that bugs me that I would even THINK such impractical, illogical thoughts. It really pisses me off. Hateful, Hideous, Horrible. My evil internal mantra is working it's way to the front of my mind. Who the hell opened the dungeon?

Depression is laughing maniacally in the background...

Me-bits - Wow, life is busy!

Just sitting here and thinking about blogging, or rather, thinking that I have nothing worth blogging about today. I've kind of been in a "down cycle" the past week or two and haven't had the energy to be creative.

So I think I'll just quickly blog about life as it is right now. This second.

I'm drinking a venti non-fat vanilla latte from Starbucks. It's good. Had a cinnamon chip scone with it and that was also good. One thing I wonder about is who picks the pastries for Starbucks? I know one thing, they are thin. Maybe anorexic, I don't know. But they have the most boring pastries. They used to have these WONDERFUL chocolate chunk scones. The scone part was rich and had a great vanilla flavor. Then they changed the recipe and they were terrible. So terrible that I passed on CHOCOLATE CHUNK. I started getting the cinnamon chip since they still had some flavor. They changed those next.

When it comes to food, I'm boring. I'm allergic to a bunch of stuff and I'm picky to boot. When I find something I really like I get pissed off when it's changed. When the only thing at a restaurant that I can eat (has no nuts, tomatoes, mayo, etc. - stuff that will possibly kill me) is removed from the menu, I feel harassed. I love the food I can (or will) eat.

So I want to start a "normal" food craze. No walnuts or pecans. No cheese with mold that we are supposed to like - I mean, really, how crazy is that? It's MOLD people! No tomatoes whether they are sun dried, roma, tomatillo, etc. Ok, processed tomato like you get from a jar of Prego or on a corporate pizza (think Pizza Hut) gets a pass.

Potatoes, onions, carrots, leaf lettuce, real butter AND olive oil, cheddar, american, brie, gouda, havarti, beef, chicken, salmon, pork... Things that can be heavenly spiced and cooked into tasty meals.

Top Chef - Normal Edition - Padma introduces the ingredients above and challenges the chefs to make something that doesn't have truffle oil, leeks, or anything RAW. Yeah, that's my kind of show.

Huh. I guess I did have something to say today.

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Cancer-bits: Hospice

Hospice - Wonderful Program / Total Mind-F*ck

We found out one week ago today that Mom's cancer has grown dramatically in her lungs and is now in her spleen too. The two doctors I saw that week both said "it's going fast". Hard to wrap your mind around that! What is fast? A day, a week, a year?? The oncologist thought 2 to 6 months. She guessed that within a few weeks Mom would start coughing blood and have a harder time breathing. It only took a few days. By Saturday Mom starting coughing up stuff.

I got my Mom enrolled in a home hospice program this week. On Monday, Yvonne (primary hospice nurse) and Karilyn (social worker) came out to meet us and get the paperwork signed. It was surreal, to say the least.

There was a lot of discussion about the hospice philosophy. This is from their website:

"Hospice care does not prolong the life of terminally ill patients, but helps them live with comfort and dignity, surrounded by family and friends and supported by hospice team members at the hospital or at home."

I have to say that the more they talked, the better I felt, up to a point. It's such a relief to know that twice a week someone will be coming to check on her and determine what other things she may need such as oxygen, pain meds, special equipment, etc. Because it's extremely frightening to me that I might not see a sign or a symptom and do the right thing.

They also have music and massage therapy that will come out each week and my Mom thought that would be nice. I'm always so proud of my Mom because she is open to all new possibilities and will try things. She still participates in all the activities at the apartment building (assisted living). As a matter of fact, after this meeting she kicked me out so she could go play bingo. How cool is that?

So, now to the mind-f*ck -- the nurse asked my Mom if she wanted to keep taking her vitamins and other supplements. My Mom has been a health-nut for as long as I can remember. She walked 3 miles a day, took LOADS of supplements, drank buckets of water, etc. So when they said she could stop taking those things that she depends on (mentally, at least) to stay well, it all sunk in a lot more that we were off the old path of "getting better" or "staying healthy". Mom and I were both flummoxed by the question. She couldn't decide and I wouldn't decide for her. Today Yvonne asked us about it again and we put it off again. After she left Mom said she'd take the supplements until the nurse runs out of them. I simply agreed that that was the way to do it even though I know there is no longer a reason for her to take them at all. That makes my stomach hurt to even type it...

Me-bits: Geekdom

Here's the thing, I'm a geek. Girl geek. I belong to a wonderful guild on Warcraft called SELECT Geeks FROM WoW. I celebrate my geekiness and have for years and years.

Just now I was at Starbucks getting my fav hyperdrink - venti dark roast with 3 sugars. yummmm. Well I'm sure it will be yummy as soon as it cools down enough for me to drink. Damn that stuff is served hot!

Some geeky caffeine stats: Starbucks rocks my world with it's 56% more caffeine than your local 7-11 brew. http://www.click2houston.com/health/3005271/detail.html Did you know that their regular coffee has more caffeine than their espresso drinks? A 16 ounce cup of Starbucks Grande Caffe Mocha contains 116 milligrams of caffeine while a 16 ounce cup of Starbucks Grande Coffee contains 372 milligrams of caffeine. http://www.energyfiend.com/the-caffeine-database/. I sit here today with my VENTI dark roast at about 500mg of caffeine and I am a happy happy girl.

Ok, back to my original story. The sweet young barista and I talked about the weather while waiting for my brew to be ready. If you live in Minnesota then you'll understand that the weather is all important and must be discussed daily. Hourly. She said "I checked the weather on my Mac this morning and it's supposed to get near 80 this week!" I answered with some of the more usual patter about a few more swimming days before winter. But my mind kind of stopped when she said the word Mac.

I can't HELP IT! When someone says they use a Mac I kind of shudder in distaste.

Before you all try to find me and lynch me, let me explain. My first computer was a Mac. It was a 512k "fat mac" - 2nd generation.
I LOVED THIS MACHINE! My boyfriend and I were about the only people we knew with a home computer (his parents had the first version! The 128k) I could actually type my college papers at HOME without using a gallon of White-Out. We played text games like Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by the great Douglas Adams and Infocom.


I stayed with the Mac through college until I got my first job. There I had to use a PC with black screen and orange text. I had to learn DOS and I was totally hooked. Being able to manipulate documents with some a few memorized commands, file trees, the whole works. It felt SO much more powerful! Around 1992 or 1993 we got some of the first access to the INTERNET! I worked in International Programs for the University and it was suddenly so easy to communicate with our colleagues in Japan, France, Australia, etc.! I'm sure I was one of the first secretaries to use it.

Ok this is getting long. The point of my story is this: PC = power and intelligence. MAC = artsy fartsy folksy. That has been my subconscious point of view since 1989. I don't dislike Mac users! I just bought a new iMac for my Mom and since I pay her bills online I was pleasantly surprised and impressed with the video and photograph abilities. I made a little video of us and took some photos, she thought that was pretty cool and so did I.

Firefox works great on it but actually starting Firefox takes two more steps than it should. If it's not on that bar at the bottom then you have to go into the HD to ADD it to the bar. Then and only then can you use it. Oh and it comes with this totally lame program called iWorks which also takes too much work to load.

I want to like Macs again. I just wonder when Mac will catch up on the cool factor for geeks like me?

Me-bits - The Cat Didn't Come Back Part II

Report from a Neighbor.

We heard from our neighbor today. They asked if we had found Mischa yet. Their cat came home today and they had to rush her to the vet hospital. She had been in a very big fight with something, well, probably bigger than her. Sounds like the poor cat will be ok but I'm guessing that Mischa wasn't so lucky.

The good thing is that there aren't a lot of cats in our neighborhood and probably now two more who won't be roaming.

There have been reports of coyotes in our area. We live in a very suburban area and we're surrounded on 3 sides by highway. But the 4th side is still on the wild side. From there the deer follow the "stream" through our backyard during the spring melt. I've never seen anything as big as a coyote but did drive up to a red fox in yard a few years ago. Stuff is out there.

When I heard about the neighbor's cat I felt my whole body go numb. I couldn't feel my left arm for about 3 minutes. At this point my brain and body are both on grief overload.

I sat and thought for a bit. Had breakfast and sat with my boys and read. Wanted to be near them but really didn't want to talk. I'm on the 4th book of the Dresden Files. Probably a little gory and scary for me right now but at least Harry Dresden has it worse off than me...he has the entire Vampire squad after his ass. I just have to deal with grief and duty.

After I read for a bit I decided to use some of the powerful feelings I was having. I harnessed them (taking a page from Wizard Dresden) and decided to do something constructive. I folded clothes. Doesn't sound like much, does it? Well it was empowering for me. Now I'm trading off between World of Warcraft and cleaning my office.

This too will pass.

Right?

Me-bits: The Cat Didn't Come Back

That damn cat...Well Mischa has been missing for a week and a half now. I've made my calls to the Animal Humane Society and the city animal shelters. Nada...nothing...nope. Thought we had a match at the shelter - everything was right except the eyes. Mischa has blue eyes and this cat did not.

When we bought Mischa at the Humane Society 6 years ago he had an ID microchip inserted. He wouldn't wear a collar (would go to great lengths to get it off and I was afraid he'd hurt himself) so I hoped that the chip would help. Honestly I have to admit that the fact he hasn't shown up makes us pretty sure that something bad has happened to him. He's totally devoted to us, checks in multiple times a day when he's outside, loves nothing more than sitting with us on the deck. Just thinking of him reminds me of his soft siamese fur and how good it felt to snuggle up to him while he purred away contentedly.

So now I sit and try to figure out how to deal with this latest loss. I pray constantly he'll turn up anyway, even though I don't think he will. I've begged God to give us a break during an already stress-filled time of our lives.

Me-bits: The Meltdown

Listen, this is the blog of a pre-hysterical woman. You're the first to see me just before I go off the deep-end. Or would that be the last? Whatever. I'm losing it.

You'd think I'd be happy in my lovely home with my wonderful son and husband. I work in my basement for God's sake! I don't even have a commute! But there is nastiness lurking all around me and about me.

I have three big problems: malts, cancer and cats.

Malts - I started seeing a counselor to help with my weight issues. Issues...damn that's a polite way to put it, huh? I'm freaking fat! Fat and getting fatter as my depression drives me to eat like Rush Limbaugh running for his Oxy fix. Seems the longer I go to therapy the more I eat. Is it supposed to work that way? I think not but I have no clue how to stop it as things in my life spiral out of control. Stress = Malts in my f*cked up world.

Cancer - My Mom has it and it's killing her. Melanoma out of control as it builds multiplexes in her lungs. I've been taking care of her for years, even since before my Dad died in 2004 of, you guessed it, cancer. Well, he died of chemotherapy...more on that another time. Mom is in a very nice assisted living place and is doing ok for now. But I have to face the fact that every day we get very much closer to losing her. And every day I get a little more hysterical.

Cats - My beautiful cat Mischa (1 of 3) is our only outdoor cat. He has a feral streak that just made it cruel to keep him inside (I tell myself that to make myself feel better. Believe me, it doesn't work one damn bit)! He is fixed and just loves the catnip patch by the gazebo as much as he loves visiting our neighbors. Oh, and bringing home small dead critters for me to praise.

Anyway, Mischa is missing. He's never been away for more than two nights -- EVER -- in his 6 years. He's been gone since Sunday night and we are worried sick. Tears in my eyes even as I type this rant. But must hold myself together because my son is still awake. Hate to have him see me in this pre-hysterical mode AND crying. Would scare him to death.

So there are my three demons: malts, cancer and cats (well, just "cat" I guess). I'll end this now and add some duct tape. You know...to keep it together. (Damn, that sucked) Ok, later.

Favorite web site of the day: Steepandcheap.com - great gear and low auction-like prices. It rules.