Grief

I'm not sure that I want to even write this post. But if I don't do something I'll explode from grief.

After a nearly 3 year battle my Mom died from cancer on April 28, 2008. I miss her.

She was in the hospice program (at home in her apartment) for 8+ months. They said she would probably not last six months. She was very strong and extremely stubborn. One day she said "I guess I'm trying too hard to hold on". I assured her that that was not the case - she was just making the most of the time she had left.

The funeral was nice, so many friends and family came to say goodbye. A very real testament to how much she was loved. And how much I am loved. The only problem is that the service seemed so hollow to me. The minister did a fine job with what we gave him. But it didn't really speak of her strength, courage, morals, faith, love.

My Mom loved me. We were lucky. We had 9 months of "I love you" and we said it often. For the final 5 weeks that she was in a hospice facility, and before she became unresponsive, I would start my visit the same way each time. I would remove my glasses so that I could look deeper into her eyes. Sitting on the side of her hospital bed, I would lean over to hug her and kiss her. She always waited to kiss me back once I was done. We would look into each others' eyes and talk briefly about how she was feeling, how my day had gone so far and was I getting too far behind on my work. Each time was poignant and bittersweet as I saw her change daily while the brain metastases spread.

One day as we finished the ritual I honestly told her how I liked to come and see her at the end of the day. Mom said, simply, "well, it's good to be seen". She probably didn't know that I was lapping up each moment I could before she wouldn't be there any longer. I was holding on for her dear life.

Eventually, after about four weeks, Mom stopped eating or responding. She had been working hard somewhere else, talking without sound and moving her hands. If I know my Mom she was bantering with my Dad or cleaning some imaginary house. Just when the nurses thought she'd pass, she would wake up and have a great day. But now she was silent and it became less of a visit and more of a vigil.

More to be said but it will wait until another day as I process this immense loss.

Cancer-bits: Mysterious

Cancer is mysterious.

It grows fast or slow one day, one week, and does double-time the next. Now that Mom isn't seeing any doctors, only hospice workers, I feel so HELPLESS and wary. We went to doctor after doctor for years, working with them very closely on her care. I'm more involved than most I think, I'm a rabid researcher. Now that I have no information to act upon...I'm wary of what's going to happen next.

Every Tuesday and Friday Mom's wonderful hospice nurse, Yvonne, pays a visit. I try to be there for at least one meeting a week, hopefully both. She spends TIME talking with us about anything we all feel like sharing. We trust her. But now that I never have any real information about what's going on in my Mom's body, all I can do is wait. Wait for the next symptom, wait for a sign that things are changing. So I'm starting to dread those visits with kind Yvonne, wondering when things will get worse.

Mom seemed to have a sort of "remission". She stopped coughing up blood and her lungs have been clear. She's having some discomfort in her legs and hips and it's getting harder and harder for her to walk. But she keeps on trying, hoping that the exercise will make her stronger. That just makes me sad since I know that the truth is so much worse.

Well, on to work...

Suzzy (rhymes with buzzy)

Parental-bits

We made it through orientation! What a ZOO. 300+ students (approx half of the class) and their families jostling around each other trying to find lockers, classrooms, etc. It was at least 85 degrees in there and extremely humid. By the end of the night the papers I was hold had fallen over limp and damp. I think my face was the color of a ripe apple as I fanned myself with the the wilted paper.

Our son was nervous and quiet as he organized his locker by his schedule -- the system will last about half a day -- and got his picture taken. He was worried about not being able to get his locker open so we made him do it a number of times so he could relax a little. Poor kid. He's already had at least one nightmare about Junior High. As tough as being an adult can sometimes be I would hate to have to go back to that fearful uncertainty of being a pre-teen.

Parental-bits

UGH! - Yeah, ugh. Just spent two hours prepping my son for 7th grade orientation tomorrow. We checked off the mile-long supplies list. I never had this many supplies "back in the day" - I was happy for a box of 12 Crayolas!

At least now that he's in junior high we don't have the extra page of classroom "support" supplies. Kleenex (sorry, that's trademarked...tissue), wet naps, general class art supplies, wax paper, plastic wrap, plastic bags, on and on and... Don't get me wrong, I don't want teachers to have to pay out of their own pockets for that stuff. That sh*t ain't right. Our school system gets MILLIONS from our large school district (700 students per year) and we keep giving them more. I support each and every one of those special budget votes for education and I will continue to do so even after my kid graduates. But after all that they still hit us up for more money and more supplies ALL YEAR LONG!

OH! The best one is the "hit your entire family, neighborhood, and pets up" to buy magazines or gift wrap or candy. That's the one that makes me crazy. They now have it all online so your loved ones, you know, the ones who TRULY care about your kid, can give money directly to his/her campaign over the internet. I never bother anyone with these. I quietly buy something smallish for our family and that's it. Don't want son to be school pariah because his parents don't contribute anything.

In my opinion these giving programs are really hard on the kids - If your child sells the most loot they get a FREE GIFT! Yeah...a bracelet or a whistle. But they taunt the kids with great pics of hot boomboxes (does anyone even BUY boomboxes any more?!!) and super cool prizes if they just try a litttttle harder and sell a litttttle more. I'm sorry, it's wrong. W-R-O-N-G

There's my parental rant for today, August 26, 2007.