Transcending Grief

Hmmmmm, ok, I admit this: I'm forcing grief. I'm having issues waiting for myself to "break" and feel what I know is LOCKED deep inside. I'm having all the signs - skin rash, stomach pain (acid), headache, etc. This is one of the reasons I'm at Lake Superior right now. Alone time to try and force myself to release some of this pressure.

The pressure really has some other consequences for my health - I saw the surgeon yesterday and my blood pressure was something like 146/91! This is the 4th time that I've had much higher pressure than my normal 120/80. Of course, there are many other factors that make it worse but I know the stress has pushed it past normal. My headaches have gotten a lot worse and are occurring frequently in the early evening. More later on blood pressure after I do a little research.

ANYway...There is a book I'm reading to help work on grief since losing my Mom (and Dad (2004) and Cat (2007)) and it did seem to release some of the pressure today. It is Sylvia Browne's A Journal of Love and Healing: Transcending Grief.

I used to be an avid fan of Sylvia Browne's but the last few years I felt like she lost some of her spark and maybe "psychic"/empathic/whatever abilities. Now when I see her on Montel William's show she just seems cranky and bossy with little insight. Maybe in person she's different, I don't know.

But this book that she wrote with her Daughter-in-law, Nancy Dufresne, seems to be very simple and thoughtful. Here is my favorite quote from Ms. Browne on losing a parent:

"...the realization that no matter what age we were, both of us were orphans. No one would remember what we remembered. The elders that stood as protective shields, as references to our past, and reflections of who we were and are and where we came from, are gone.

We had become the elders. This isn't by any means related to age, only the positioning of the chess pieces in this game called Life. We had been checkmated, and we had no choice but to submit and ride that dark horse down into the depths of our own tears, memories and longings."

This describes my current experiences perfectly. Alone is the word. No matter that I have all the support I could get from friends and my husband's family, I feel deeply alone.